Fuck Yeah National Security

Donald Trump loves his country and the stuff yours owns.

We will not make fun of Donald Trump’s hair in this post because we are Serious Analysts and also there isn’t anything new to say, except that possibly the folks in the Hague need to take a look at it for Offences Against Hairdressing.

Toupee of Mass Distraction

We will also not make fun of the birther stuff, but you should know that Mr Trump sees what is going on over the internet. He knows the questions you’re asking! Is the President really American? Is he a secret communist? Is he really a 12-foot lizard from outer space? All of these are important lines of inquiry, we agree, but today, we would like to address potential Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s foreign policy views. Namely: You broke it, you bought it. Or rather, you invade, bomb the shit out of a place, you get to keep their gear.

Donald Trump on CNN’s “State of the Union” on Libya:

TRUMP: Somebody said, what would be your theory or what would you do in terms of Libya? I’d do one thing. Either I’d go in and take the oil or I don’t go in at all. We can’t be the policeman for the world.
CROWLEY: You’d just take their oil?
TRUMP: Absolutely. I’d take the oil. I’d give them plenty so they can live very happily. I would take the oil. You know, in the old days, Candy –
CROWLEY: Well, wait, we can’t go –
TRUMP: - Candy, Candy, in the old days, when you have a war and you win, that nation is yours.

This international law stuff is for wimps, in other words. Geneva Convention, what fucking Geneva Convention? Imagine if we’d divided up Germany - properly, I mean, without letting the Russians get their paws on a bit - after WW2! Beer, sausages and saucy wenches for all! Japan? They should be paying us to take the latest Playstation off their hands. God, half of Africa should be spending their days digging bits of rock out of the ground for us to give as pointless symbols of love that actually just demonstrate status and our lack of interest in the working conditions of others oh wait never mind.

Other things that were ok in “the old days”: Rape (actually discouraged as early as the 10th century by the Catholic Church through the Peace and Truce of God movement, along with a few others including Islamic law gasp those heathens but they etc etc); Genocide; Torture; Looting; Chemical Weapons; Setting Fire To Entire Towns Just For The Hell Of It; and Indiscriminate Bombing of Civilian Areas (good thing we got Dresden and Hiroshima out of the way before that one became an issue, right?).

What we mean by this is that we look forward to the New World Order that will be ushered in by Mr Trump’s election and hope he has problems finding Australia on a map. No one tell him about the resources boom.

2 years ago 5 notes