Fuck Yeah National Security

The Anzacs definitely didn’t die for Twitter (Updated)

We had always been under the impression that the Anzacs at Gallipoli died for a few things: King and Country, to stop Kaiser Bill from taking over Europe and making everyone wear lederhosen, and because a bunch of generals had decided that attacking a steep hillside from the sea was a really great idea but perhaps a wee bit too dangerous for the lads from Blighty, so let’s throw the Colonials at it.

We think a military defeat is an excellent basis for our national day of memorial for our fallen soldiers. It is easy to get warm and fuzzy about the glory of war when you think about Our Boys fighting off the Nazis or liberating people in Japanese POW camps; less so when you contemplate rows of frightened 16-year-old boys lying dead in the mud. At least this is what we tell ourselves; clearly the message has been lost on some people over the years:

Now, leaving aside his glorious non-apology (aimed, you will notice, at Anzacs, not gays or “Islamics”) and completely fascinating sentence structure, it must be said that the essence of his statement is true. “The” Australia they were fighting for (except they weren’t fighting for Australia, Jim, they were fighting for England) was neither gay, nor married, nor Islamic. It was, however, home to the White Australia Policy and the Commonwealth Franchise Act. That is to say, it kept all the coloureds out, and the ones it was stuck with, weren’t allowed any say on the matter. Yet is is so strange, you never hear people like Jim Wallace saying things like “Our boys fought to keep our country white and proud!”

Anyway, we have decided to start a list of Things The Anzacs Did Not Die For. Submissions welcome; current list compiled with the aid of associates in a range of fields.

Women who can open jam jars by themselves

Insta.gram

Lattes

iPads

KeepCups (or substitutes)

Truth

Justice

The American Way

Freedom

Free speech

Fishwives

Your Face